A Letter to my Mother

To my mother, my angel,

16 years ago I had to say goodbye to you,  the most amazing woman I have ever known. Beautiful, smart and funny; loving, compassionate and kind. Sarcastic and sassy, yet sweet and gentle, generous and the most loyal person you could ever meet. When I think of how difficult it was to say goodbye, I have to remind myself that no pain was greater than the pain of watching you suffer in those 7 months, and I have to thank God for taking you to a place where you no longer feel pain.

For years I replayed that last day over and over in my head. Every. Single. Detail. Every memory like a tiny needle stabbing me again and again. Now, so many years later, I choose to remember all the days before that last day. We made more happy memories in the 19 years before the cancer than can be erased by those 7 long, hard months. Most days now I can wash away the sadness with a happy thought of you shaking your booty in some ridiculous dance, or calling out to me, "Petunia..." from your perch on the couch. I remember the smell of your Trident Original gum, and the curves of your perfect fingernails. I remember the way you would tuck my hair behind my ear, and wait up in my bed for me to come home from a night out. I remember your round face, and your love of Vienna Fingers. I refuse to remember the way the cancer left you. I won't let it win.

It has been 5,840 days since I gave you a hug, or a kiss, or heard the sound of your voice; and while each of those days it has gotten a little bit easier for me to carry on without you, not a day goes by that you are not on my mind or in my heart. It breaks my heart that my children will never know your love the way I knew it, but I know you are watching over us and keeping us all safe every day. I know you live on in Michele and I, more so than I'd like to admit sometimes(!); and that J, A, R and M all have a piece of your spirit - I see it in the way they love others. To quote a great family friend, "she left an indelible impression on all those who had the pleasure of knowing her. My life is a better place because she was in it". I hope you know how much you meant to everyone in your life, not just us. Your friends still reach out to me to tell me how much they miss you, how blessed they were to have had you in their lives. 

Thank you for keeping daddy safe, and close to us. When I was younger I would sometimes wonder how you put up with him, but I see it clearly now. There has never been a man with more patience, or kindness. You chose wisely when you married him, maybe somehow you knew someday we would need him, and his inner strength and beauty would shine through. I couldn't ask for a better father for myself, or grandfather for my children.  He has kept us all going in your absence, you would be so proud of the way he has opened himself up. Ever since that day at the funeral home when he was showing everyone the napkin you wrote your phone number on for him the night you first met, 20 years before - the way he tucked it into your hands so lovingly, so you could take it home with you. I knew in that instant what true love looks like. So I thank you for giving me that gift, even after you were already gone. 

Mom, thank you for being my rock for the 20 wonderful years we shared on this earth together, and for being my guiding light in the 16 years since you've been gone. Thank you for being the voice in my head that keeps me going when all I want to do is throw in the towel. Your memory, your legacy - they give me the strength to keep going. 

"In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky, in my heart there'll always be a place for you for all my life. I keep a part of you with me, and everywhere I am, there you'll be. Everywhere I am, there you'll be". 

I hope that I can be even half the mother to my children that you were to us. I hope that my friends will hold me in the same high regard that yours do you. I hope that my husband knows that even though I am rough around the edges, every edge is carved with fierce love for him and our family, just like yours were. Every day I strive to emulate you, your love & your generosity. I hope that someday I will come close. 

I love you, Mom and I miss you more than words could ever say.

Until we meet again, 

A Letter to my Daughter

I thought I'd write a couple of letters this week. I'm feeling a little emotional with my mom's anniversary this past weekend, and it always helps me a bit to let some things go. So today I write a letter to my daughter. I'm sure it won't be the last, there will be so many things I want to share with her over the years. Experience has taught me to always write things down, to document them, because  you don't always say what you're feeling in every situation in life, and you never know what direction life will take. You may think you have all the time in the world for recipe sharing, story telling, or explanations, and then suddenly your time is cut short...



To my smart, sweet, sassy, beautiful girl,

There are no words to measure how I feel about you. From the first time I held you in my arms 3 years ago, I knew you were the missing piece to the puzzle. I knew you were the band-aid to my wound, the Spackle to the whole in my heart. Please don't be mistaken, I love your brothers fiercely and with abandon, there are no favorites here... but our relationship, yours and mine, was destined to be different from the start. Not only are you our last baby, and the only baby your daddy and I share together, but as our only daughter, you represent a unique opportunity for mommy. With you I can finish all the mommy/daughter things your grandma and I started but never got the chance to. All of things I never got the chance to share with her, I will share with you. She taught me how to crochet, and needlepoint, and sew, but we never got the chance to do any of those things together as adults. We cooked side by side in her kitchen many times during my childhood, but never as adults and friends. The day I graduated college I looked out into the crowd, and she wasn't there, but I will be there to see you toss that cap. The day you stand up before God and family and promise yourself to your best friend, I will be there... and the first time you hold your own baby in your arms, I will look on with amazement.

Whenever I miss my mom, and I'm feeling sad, I just look at you, and it warms my heart. I see her kindness in your eyes, her sass in the way you tilt your head when you talk, her soul in the way you love everyone so freely. I daydream of all the things you and I will do together as the years pass. Even if it's the most mundane things like grocery shopping or taking a walk, I imagine us doing them together when you're grown, and it makes me feel whole again somehow. The idea of being able to share with you all the things I never got to share with your grandma makes the pain a little more bearable somehow. When I look at you I feel a little less empty, a little less lost.

It's not just because you carry your grandmother's name, not just because you are my only girl...
I hope you know that there are a million more reasons why I love you so.
Every freckle, every eyelash, every single brown speckle in your beautiful hazel eyes...
Every time you open your mouth and something so innocent, or so unbelievably funny comes out... Every time I see you with your brothers, the way you love them so and teach them how to be gentle and kind.
I love you so because I know you will change the world someday.
Your sharp mind and huge heart are going to help you make a difference in this world, this I know for sure.
You have already changed ours so very much.

I look forward to every day with you. I cherish every second we spend together. I love every single mommy/daughter game we play, every adventure we take together. We will continue to journey on you and me, the girls team in our house full of loud, silly, stinky boys. No matter what life throws at us, no matter how far away you drift as you grow and try to find your own place in the world, I know you will always come back to me. I know in you I have a best friend for life, and I am telling you now that in me you have yours. I will always be here for you, I will always be your #1 fan. Forever and always.

Love,
Momma

Birthday Fun!!!

We're back!!!

We had a super awesome time celebrating all the kids birthdays at Universal Studios Orlando last month!!! We were there for Halloween, and baby M turned 3 while we were there as well. It was a very relaxing (meaning no set schedule to follow) and fun extended weekend.

We had a photo finish to the airport because my new iPhone 6 (thank you Verizon Wireless for the $200 trade in, making my phone essentially free!!!) shipped 2 weeks early and was basically delivered as we were walking out the door. I am very happy it came in time though, because the camera takes really great pictures and that came in very handy while we were away!

The flight down to Florida was amazing. Boarding went smoothly, and once we were all on board we took off with no delay. That NEVER happens when you fly out of NY....

We had a late flight, so I was a little a lot nervous about the transportation situation. Thankfully the car service provided by Universal was there waiting for us, and they did have a car seat for little Miss M, so things were going way better than expected already!

We stayed at Universal Studios new on-site hotel, The Cabana Bay Beach Resort. Check-in was pretty smooth, although slightly time-consuming - although that just could have been because it was 10:30 at night, and after a long day of work/school and racing to the airport, we were all pretty beat. We got our keys and headed off to the room. This is where things started to go down-hill. Our room was in the main building, which was good, but it was far - I mean, REALLY FAR away from the main lobby and pretty much everything else in the place. We were the second to last room at the end of the longest hallway I have ever walked down. Needless to say, I was already annoyed...  When we got inside the kids were checking things out, and A noticed that the drawers weren't cleaned out. There were some receipts and loose change. Then he checked the fridge, and there was still food in it!!! I immediately called the front desk. While I was holding with them, M was horsing around on the bed. It was then that we discovered the sheets hadn't been changed!!!! Now, I was FUMING!!!! It was so late already, we were tired and cranky, and I was really hoping this was going to set a precedent for the rest of the trip.

Thankfully, it didn't. In the end, the hotel changed our room, and gave us two new adjoining rooms with a much beautiful view of the pool and a better bathroom set up. Once we were settled, things couldn't have gone better!!! The transportation from the hotel to the parks was a cinch. It is within walking distance, but since this hotel is relatively new, the walkway was not 100% completed. We didn't want to chance it with all the kids and the stroller, so we stuck with the bus. It was great! The seats were cushioned and leather, and the ride was less than 5 minutes from door to door. The bus lets you off at City Walk, so there is a little walking required to get to the actual parks, but since the weather was beautiful, no one seemed to mind.

In my opinion, this was the perfect time of year to visit. The temperature was good, a little cool Saturday and Sunday, but it sure beats sweating your behind off!!! The crowds were manageable. We didn't wait terribly long for anything except for Harry Potter Escape from Gringotts. The line for Transformers was also pretty darn long, but they gave us what they called a "birthday express pass" so poor M wouldn't have to spend her entire day waiting on line for a ride she wasn't even big enough to ride. We thought that was super awesome of them!  

We had the meal plan for this trip, and it really was worth it. For a large family like ours, we really did save quite a bit of money. We actually ended up taking some snacks home. I definitely recommend it. Our package came with two complimentary breakfast at Harry Potter, we had some quick but great lunches, and we had some pretty delicious dinners as well. Unfortunately, M's birthday dinner was our least favorite place, but live and learn. If you're down there, skip Vivo Italian Kitchen. It wasn't worth it. Food was sub-par & the service was terrible. They did take some stuff off the bill though, so at least there was that. We did the character breakfast for her that morning at Jake's in the Royal Pacific hotel, and that was a much better experience. The food was great there and the characters were awesome. M was loving it! We all had a good laugh when Gru ran around the restaurant with my cell phone while my mother-in-law was on FaceTime.

While we were away I had a bit of a breakthrough in the body image area. At the request of my husband I did bring my bikini on the trip, although I wasn't sure I would wear it. I let the kids talk me into going down to the pool even though it was only in the 60's, so I had to put it on... and I actually felt good in it!!! For the first time in almost 15 years, I put on a bathing suite and felt comfortable in it. The fact that it was a 2 piece just takes it to a whole other level. I've been working hard for that, and I'm proud of all that I've accomplished. I'm hoping by this summer I'll be even more comfortable! Small victories!!!

We really had a great time, and it was hard coming back to reality. It was nice to have the whole family together for 5 days. We don't get to do that often enough. The kids did not want to go home...

Somehow the time has slipped from Halloween to Thanksgiving and past, and now we are just 2 short weeks away from Christmas! How could this be??? Looking forward to some more family time while the kids have an extended break from school. After that, it will be Mommy & Daddy's turn for a little fun so....

Now I'm looking forward to some alone time with my man... Next up, Walt Disney World Marathon Weekend!!! Can't believe I'm running my second half marathon next month, AHHH!!!! 

More on that to follow....


Happy Monday :)

School Days

This school year has marked a lot of new beginnings for us. We now have one High School student, one Middle School student, two 4th graders and a pre-schooler!!! That's right, folks! We have at least one at every level, and yes, Baby M started school this year!!!

It is hard to believe that 3 years have gone by already, and that our baby girl is in school, but it's TRUE!!! She is going to school 3 days a week, for 3 hours a day, and so far she is loving it! She loves her teachers and has made a couple of good friends so far. We thankfully did not have any trouble with her separating from Jay at drop off right from the start. So far, so good on that front! She is enjoying learning about the days of the week and the seasons, and play centers is one of her favorite times of the day. She loves playing in the "home" center, specifically in the kitchen. The apple did not fall far from the tree with this kid!!!

As far as the boys are concerned, I wish I had better news to report. Three out of four of our boys are not doing as well as we would like at this point in time. Enter blended family BS mentioned in my last post... When there are no adults who are fluent in your native language in the house to help with homework & studying, it can be difficult to do well. My husband has tried to no avail to discuss the situation, with not one response. So what can we do from an hour away? It is breaking my heart to see them struggling, but I'm really not sure what the solution is. We both feel that our hands are tied, and it's a terrible feeling. To top it all off, they are moving... AGAIN! Thankfully not far enough that they have to change schools again, but the inconsistency and constant moving is not good for them. They need stability, and are clearly not getting it where they are. I really, truly wish the courts were set up to favor the more responsible party, which is not always the mother.


A while back I posted about R having "Ants in the Pants". Thing were slightly better over the summer, but picked right up when school started and were worsening at an alarming rate. We decided to take him to a pediatric neurologist where he was diagnosed with ADHD. So now the big question was to medicate, or not to medicate.

All summer long I tried changing his diet, modifying his sugar intake, etc. I used some essential oils as well, but nothing really seemed to help. By the time we made it to the doctor I was literally at the end of my rope. I still am really. We decided to go ahead with the meds and he was really showing signs of improvement for the first 10 days. No side effects to speak of, increased attention at school and better behavior overall at home. Then the bottom fell out. After the first week and a half he started to have what I've been told is called a rebound effect. He was showing less focus at school and his behavior at home was terrible. The doctor changed his dosage at our follow up but it was evident to me after only a few days that this was just not the right medicine for him. I immediately called the doctor and we decided to change to a different medicine. She told me not to worry, that these things take time, and sometimes it can be months before they find something that works. So, it's been about a week on medicine #2. So far so good. He is experiencing decreased appetite, which we are watching closely, but thankfully no other side effects. He is doing extremely well in school and is making much better choices at home. I am grateful for the improvement, but am only cautiously optimistic given what happened with the last one. I'm really hoping that this, in conjunction with the therapy we just started with him, will be the key we need to manage this with him.

As a parent it's difficult because of course I want him to be happy, successful and well adjusted. I am fully aware of the challenges he faces, and I understand what is going on completely. However, as a human, I'm easily frustrated by his behavior. It's hard for me to find the patience to deal with this day in and day out, but I am digging deep. Thankfully, his dad, step-dad and I are all on the same page as far as treatment and resolutions for at home behavior are concerned. We are all working well together with the school & doctors to best help him and our family get through this rough patch.

I found this article on FaceBook today about how ADD/ADHD effects relationships. I thought it was interesting. I never really thought about it from the perspective that it's something that is impacting him every. single. minute. When you look at it that way, the gravity of it really sets in. When he says he can't help himself, he really means it, and it's heartbreaking...

I try to focus on the good times, and these smiles make it easy to do! Just hoping things continue to improve from here. Please say a prayer for us!

In the meantime, we will be busy with lots of family time while Jay is on vacation next week. Looking forward to our big birthday bash trip coming up, there will be lots of pics to come!!!


Have a great weekend!

I'm Back... Again!!!!

I've been away... for a while. Sorry about that :(

Lots of things have been happening. Some good, some bad, and I haven't really had the time or the desire to write about them.

Today I decided that instead of sulking about the bad points, I'm going to share the good ones instead! Maybe I will inspire others to make a change, maybe I will even inspire myself!

Last year I made a bucket list, 20 in 40, a list of 20 things I want to do before I turn 40. You can read all bout that HERE. So far, I have accomplished only 3 things on that list:

Run a 5K
Run a Half Marathon
Get a pet - Yay, Guinness!!!!

I'm hoping to cross of one more in a couple of weeks on our family trip, which is to ride The Incredible Hulk roller coaster in Universal Studios.

I'm not sure if 3 or 4 things in a year is good or not, but I feel pretty proud of my running accomplishments for sure. I have been working hard this year to clean up my health a little bit and make myself stronger. Small changes to my diet have definitely improved my endometriosis symptoms (more on that next week) and helped me to increase my muscle mass and general physical fitness.

While I was in the process of trying to improve my general health and well being, I fell in love with Beach Body and some of their programs. I started with Shaun T's Focus T25, and then I decided to try the 21 Day Fix. The results I got were amazing! I feel stronger at 35 than I ever have in my life, and with that has come the self-confidence I have always been lacking.

Gaining strength and confidence each day has given me the desire to want to share these things with others, so  I decided a couple of months ago to become a Beach Body coach. I am really enjoying helping other people realize their own potential and achieve their fitness goals. If you are interested in any of the BB programs, you can check them out HERE, email me at DeeRoeTonesUp@gmail.com, or PM on FaceBook. These last 6 months or so have changed my life. I am now a firm believer that the body achieves what the mind believes. YOU can do ANYTHING you put your mind to, you just have to take the first step. 

The changes I made to my diet and exercise routine were small, but because I continued to make them day in and day out, I was able to run my first half marathon at the beginning of this month!!!

My official time was 2:28:33. Not bad for my first time!!! Now I can officially call myself a runner & I am ready to take on the Walt Disney World Half in January 2015!!! #RunDISNEY #WDW #WDWHalf #WDWHereICome #Runnergirl #Runnermom #ALLTHEHASHTAGS

The low points of my hiatus will be for another post, today is all about the positives! I started a new business and achieved what I consider to be one of the greatest accomplishments of my adult life (outside of my college graduation and my children, of course!). 

The moment I crossed that finish line it was an "in your face" to every bully in elementary school who called me fat, to every jerk who pushed me around and made me feel ugly and worthless.

I am having the last laugh. 

Not only am I healthy and strong, but I am teaching my children to be the same. I'm also teaching them to be compassionate and tolerant of others who may be struggling to find their own way, which is way more than their parents ever did for them.  

Next week I'll post an update on the kids & all those happenings. We've been very busy with school, birthdays and outings, among other things... Plus, we can't forget the usual blended family BS (but that's a whole separate post!!!!)...

More on those little munchkins to come :)

Happy Weekend!!! 

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Office... The Story of This Week's NSV

A funny thing happened to me today on my way from my office to the main office in my building. 
I was taking my typical thrice daily walk to check my mailbox when I just so happened to catch a glimpse of something, or someone, in the display glass in the hallway. This person seemed familiar to me, although I didn't quite recognize her. She looked kinda like me, only thinner! and she had toned-ish looking legs! and a spring in her step!!! "Who could that girl be?"  

I think a lot of women deal with this, especially if you have struggled with weight issues for a long time (or you know, FOREVER). I don't see myself in the mirror the way other people see me. A lot of the time, I still see the old me. 

Don't get me wrong, in my conscious brain I know I've lost weight. I also know I look better and healthier now than I did before but... when you are overweight for a decent portion of your life, when you use food to cope with your emotions - the inner fat girl does not just politely back out the door when you tell her it's time to go. 

She hangs around, nagging at your subconscious, rearing her ugly head at you from time to time. 
I think sometimes it can be a good thing. Sometimes you need a reminder of where you came from to kick your butt in gear, and sometimes you just need to indulge - and believe me, she's there for that too!
However, sometimes she is there to mock you and play games with your head. 
Some days you just can't see past the inner fat girl in the mirror, no matter how hard you try. 

For me, today was not one of those days. For the first time in a long time I walked past that glass and caught a glimpse of what I've been working so hard for. I saw someone who looked strong and happy. It doesn't happen every day, because all you ladies know we are far too critical of ourselves and our bodies, but today I actually liked what I saw. Today I was proud of what I saw. 

Today I had a non-scale victory! 

I'm not sure I'll ever be satisfied, but I'm also not necessarily sure that's a bad thing. I think it's good to have new goals and aspirations to keep us moving forward. I'd like to see how far I can will push myself, how many things I can accomplish now that the old me never thought were possible (like beach volleyball, maybe???). 

I don't know what the future will bring, but I do know this... Today is shaping up to be a pretty good day my friends, a pretty good day indeed :)

Hooray!

So... I got this super cool email the other day telling me my little ol' blog has been nominated as a top Step-parenting Blog! How cool is that??? 
We've been so sick, I almost missed it. Thankfully that didn't happen and now I'm sharing this little tidbit with all my internet friends. Who doesn't love a good contest???
If you would like to cast a vote (or two) for little old me, please follow this link & show me some love <3 Votes can be cast one time per IP address.
http://voiceboks.com/50-step-parenting-blog-nominees/  

I'm not sure which lovely nominated me, but I am flattered BEYOND belief! The fact that anyone reads this thing makes me smile, the fact that people might actually think it's good takes it to a whole other level! I just try to share my journey, my experiences with my wacky crew & keep it real. Thanks for taking the ride with me :)

Love to all!