A Letter to my Mother...

Dear Mom, 

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you in some way. Be it a fleeting memory or like today, a full out conversation with you in my head; every day you are present in my heart and mind. Some days I feel sorrow and anguish, other days I still feel angry, still other days I just feel melancholy and reminiscent. Some days I wish you were here to see the things I see in a real and tangible way. Some days I just want to call you up and say, "can you believe this shit???" I Think it's those days that are the hardest. Not the days when I miss my childhood mommy; the one who drove me to soccer practice, kissed my boo boos and helped me with my school projects... because I still have those days too, when I'm sick or really tired. It's the days that I miss my grown up mom that have become the most difficult now. The days I miss my mother, the woman; my mother, the friend... those are the hardest because I'm not really sure what I'm missing. We never had a chance to sit down and discuss life woman to woman, we never had the opportunity to share stories or be confidants in that way. There are parts of you I will never know, because they are the parts I wasn't meant to know until I became I woman myself, and then time escaped us. Most days I can just think of you with a smile and go on with my day, but then there are days like today when I am lying awake in the dark wondering why you had to go, why I had to be short-changed on what I can only imagine is the best part of the mother/daughter relationship - the friendship part. I have missed you  since the second you left us. Every day for the past 5317 days I have wished you were still here; but the way I miss you has changed. I used to miss only your presence -  the scent, the feel, the sound of you; but now it is so much more. Now that I am a wife and mother myself, I miss more of the you I didn't know than the you I remember, if that makes sense. Today as I sit here at my pity party for one, I feel angry. I feel gypped. I haven't felt this way in a long time. I suppose I should feel fortunate instead, that maybe I should thank you... because of your cancer I fight hard every day to stay healthy and strong for my kids. Because I watched you always put everyone else first and never make any time for yourself, I know I must make time for me in order to be the best wife and mother I can be. Because you had to leave me, I know I have to do whatever is in my power to stay here so I can watch my boys grow up to be loving husbands and dads... So I can wait on pins and needles until the day my little girl considers me her best friend...

Tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully I will be back to just thinking of you with a smile for a while, but just know that however brief my memories may be on some days, you are always in my heart. I treasure every single memory of you, and although I now mourn more of what could have been, I would never change a single thing. I would rather have had you for 20 short years, than never have had you at all. Missing you always <3

All my love forever, 

Petunia 

Happy Hump Day!!!!

Where is the time going???

I can't believe the weekend has come and gone again, and we are halfway through the week. I am slacking a little on the blog posting, and I'm sorry about that. Monday was a bit of a bummer (I'll get to that later) and yesterday we had a bit of debacle on the homefront. Our ceiling fan fell out of the ceiling!!! Now we have to wait until Thursday for an electrician to come and fix the wiring :/ Can we say Holy Hotness Batman? It's like the fiery pits of Hell in my bedroom!!! NOT GOOD!

We had lots of fun this weekend, so here's a little recap:

Saturday I took the 2 littlest boys and baby M to a local sprinkler park with some friends and their little ones. This park is beautiful, it has the padded rubber everywhere and they have an awesome regular playground attached, so the boys were going back and forth. They had a blast! We all had so much fun, in fact, that I was only able to snap one pic the whole time!

Saturday night we had a birthday party to go to, sans kiddos! I was excited because I finally got to wear my new Bow Back top from my favorite on-line boutique, Kiki La Rue! The clothes are amazing and the owner, Becka, is awesome! She also has a super fab blog. Anyhoo, I usually post some selfies of my Kiki La Rue goodies on Instagram. So, I was going through my usually routine while getting ready Saturday night, and this is what I ended up with...

Super cute Bow Back top!!!

Super angry hubby in the background, lol!

Not really sure what's up with this face! I think he was annoyed because I was taking too long to get ready, as usual!!!

On to the party!!! While Jay was in the hospital last year (read more about that here) we accidentally stumbled upon the fact that his partner, Chris, is also his cousin!!! It's a kinda long story, maybe for another post, but the bottom line is that Jay's long lost cousin and his wife, Erin, are two pretty amazing people. We have been very blessed to have them come into our lives. Even better, Chris has two sisters, Lauren & Dana, who we finally got to meet Saturday at the party after over a year!

COUSINS!!!!!

On Sunday I took a pickling class (don't ask!!!) at Williams Sonoma with my bestie, & then we took the kids for pretzels at Auntie Annie's... My girl loves her pretzels!

We followed up the pretzel goodness with a special visit to the newly renovated Build A Bear Workshop. The girls were in their glories there!!! Baby M made herself a very special friend named Pinky, and despite a split lip when she fell off a step and slammed her face into the new touch screen computer table, a good time was had by all!

Worst part of the weekend for me was really Monday because we had to say goodbye to the boys after a full week with them. They were so good this week and the house is so too quiet without them... I played hookie from work to spend a few more hours with them, and then we all drove B to his orthodontist appointment where their mom was meeting us to take them home from there. I try my best to be cordial for the boys sake, but she always makes it a point to say something to try to cut down my authority as a step-parent. I had all to do to keep my cool, because I almost punched her in the face... twice. These boys are so fortunate because they have a lot of extra love in their lives now, you would think she would be thankful for that. Jay is right, I really do expect too much from people...

I can't believe the week is already halfway done!

Only two more days of getting up early and then I get two whole days with my loves!!!  

Happy Hump Day!

TGIF!!!!

TGIF!!!!

I love the weekend! SO excited it's Friday already!

Last night we celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary with a delicious dinner at Ruth's Chris Steak House (we got engaged there!), and even though our anniversary celebration is finally winding down, I'm really glad this week is coming to a close.

Pre-dinner snapshot :)



Beautiful gift from my love!

Jay and the kids are going to visit me at work today and take me out to lunch, I'm excited for that! Seeing them will really break up the day.

R is getting his stitches out today. I am NOT looking forward to this AT ALL, as he is a large HUGE pain in the ass when it comes to anything doctor related... but the good news is he will be able to go swimming again! Not a moment too soon, considering it has been almost 100 degrees here every day this week.

No plans for Saturday, it's supposed to be a rainy day so I think we'll hit up the RedBox.

Sunday we have family time with the in-laws on the agenda. Lots of swimming and outdoor fun,

then family dinner at Chili's (I know it's a little boring, but it's the boys favorite place to eat).

It's the low key weekends like this with lots of time to spend just the 7 of us that I cherish the most. They are all growing up so quickly, it makes me want to soak up every minute we have with them while they still want to be with mom and dad... D will be hitting double digits this fall, and it's only a matter of time until he catches up to big brother B with the hormones and sullen teenager routine. So not looking forward to that!!! Going to enjoy the togetherness while it lasts :)

Any fun plans for your weekend???

3 Years Already???

Three years ago today I married my lobster, the love of my life... my best friend and partner.

Sometimes I still can't believe it. After my previous life experiences, I really didn't think I'd ever get married. You know that saying, "always a bridesmaid, never a bride"? That was me. I don't know what made me agree to that blind date... or text him almost 2 months after that blind date never happened (read about that here),

but it was the best decision I have EVER made.

It's amazing to me how quickly I knew there was something special between us. I could literally picture myself growing old with this man, after only a couple of weeks of dating! It was a strange feeling, but I couldn't stop what was happening, and I loved every second of it. I still do. He still gives me butterflies. The anticipation of our time alone together still gets me giddy like a teenage girl. I really feel so blessed.

Don't get me wrong, it hasn't always been sunshine and flowers; especially having a blended family and all the drama that comes along with us each having inconsiderate, selfish exes. We have had our share challenges over the past 3 years, but I think it is the way we get through them together that makes our marriage stronger.

So, in a way I am grateful for all of the crap too.

I consider myself a lucky woman because I have had the opportunity to experience true love, to love someone so deeply that you feel like you are a part of that other person; like you may not physically be able to carry on without your other half. I am truly blessed to share my life with my best friend. We came together with 4 handsome sons whose love for us and each other has only made our love for one another stronger, and from that love has come the most beautiful gift I could have ever received. Three years, four boys and one beautiful baby girl later, I can honestly say that I have everything I could ever need in life. So even though I'm not sure if he actually reads this blog....

Happy 3rd Anniversary to my lobster, Jason... there are not enough words to express my love for you or the gratitude I feel daily that God sent you & the boys to R and I to make our world a better place. Thank you for giving me every thing I have ever wanted, and for making sure each day is an adventure. These have been the best 3 years of my life so far; some of the most difficult as well, but also the most rewarding. I love the life we have built together and couldn't imagine it any other way, with any other man. You are a loving husband, a wonderful friend, and an amazing & dedicated father. We are so lucky to have you!!!  

Hope you guys enjoy some of my favorite pictures from our special day:

Wishing a Happy Anniversary to all you other July Brides!!!!

Vacation Recap & a Little Setback...

The week before last I had a much needed vacation from work. It didn't start out well & it didn't end well, but the middle was damn near fantastic!!!

I had an ear infection the end of the week previous so I kinda felt crappy all weekend, but the week itself was great. Spent a whole day sans kiddos shopping with my bestie! We even got to eat 2 meals together alone. The best part was, they were hot & we didn't have to share them with anyone!!!

Wednesday we took R & M into the city to the Discovery Museum to see The Art of the Brick exhibit, which R LOVED!!! It wasn't very expensive, but either way it was worth every penny! M had a blast on the train, she kept saying "go fast, go fast!" My dad met us in the city (he works in NJ) & the kids always love time with their Poppa. We went to Bubba Gump Shrimp in Times Square for dinner, & the kids loved that, too. The service sucked, but the food was delish!

Friday while R was at camp we took A & D mini-golfing at this really cool place out by their house, & then we took them out to lunch. Then we picked up R & they all went swimming at Grandma & Grandpa's.

Sunday we dropped all the kids off with good old Grandma & Grandpa and we headed out to Atlantic City to have an early anniversary celebration. We partied a bit on Sunday with our awesome cousins, and had a nice romantic day together on Monday. We did some shopping, walked the boardwalk & followed it up with an amazing dinner at Luke Palladino's in Harrah's (thanks again to our awesome cousins). I highly recommend it if you ever find yourself in AC.

Tuesday we headed home & then the shit hit the fan... M came down with Coxsackie virus. She had 102- 104 temperature for 3 days. Follow this up with R slamming his head and needing 5 stitches on Friday, and that was HELL WEEK in a nutshell. This is what we get for going away without the kids. Worst part was, this pushed back our week with the boys since we didn't want them to get sick :(

I tried to keep up with exercising while on vacation, but I really fell off at the end. It's hard to stay motivated when you're away. I have also been experiencing some numbness and tingling in my left leg since right before we left for AC. It started out in the area just around my knee cap but has since spread up and down my leg. I'm not sure if this is something that will go away on it's own or if I should be really concerned about it. It hasn't affected my running too much, but I am having some difficulty feeling the step during my aerobics class :/

Anyone have any experience with this? Should I call my ortho or wait it out???

In the meantime, I guess I'll just keep hobbling along...

I'm Back....

So, it's been a while...

I've been on a bit of a blogging hiatus. Things have been super busy and slightly unpleasant at work, so I have been completely exhausted at night. Between work, finding time to exercise, and taking care of the kids... I feel like I hardly have time for anything else. Squeeze a surgery in the middle of all this, and that pretty much sums up my break from blogging.

I won't go into details about my job here, but let's just say that the stress has far outweighed any enjoyment I was getting out of it before. The end of the school year is always the hardest for many reasons, but this year has been particularly difficult. I am anxious for testing to be over so I can have the office to myself for the summer and regroup. Hopefully there will be some change on the horizon for next year. In the meantime, at least I know I will have a quiet, stress free summer where I can complete my work in peace :)

Before I go into my surgery, let me give you the abbreviated back story. About 3 1/2 years ago I started having lower abdominal pain, mostly on my left side but occasionally on both, with spreading around to my back. At first it wasn't so bad, but when it started getting worse I asked my GP about it. He suggested I see a gastrointerologist, who sent me for a bunch of tests. He ultimately diagnosed me with IBS, and blamed the stress of buying our house, blending our families and planning our wedding. It seemed like a plausible explanation. I changed my diet and started taking supplements, and I was okay for a while. We got married, enjoyed life, and then I got pregnant. The pain hardly bothered me at all for a long time. After I delivered baby M the pain returned and was worse than ever. It went from being sporadic to being present almost half of every month. I went back to the gastro who reconfirmed his original diagnosis, but also suggested I follow up with my gynecologist. She checked for cysts, and said everything seemed fine there, but I wasn't satisfied. I know my own body, and something just didn't seem right to me. It was Jay who noticed the pain seemed to be worse whenever I had my period or should be ovulating. My mom had very bad endometriosis which resulted in a full hysterectomy when she was just 45 years old, so I started doing research on that. When I discovered that the pain was the same type and that this disease is commonly misdiagnosed as IBS, I went back to my GYN and asked her to look further. Since surgery is the only way to diagnose endometriosis, we tried some other drugs first. After 6 months with no luck I opted for the exploratory laporoscopy.

The surgery was minor and ambulatory. Thankfully I was home the same day. I have 2 small incisions, I'm pretty sure they won't be noticeable at all when they heal. The result was that my GYN did find endometriosis to be present, and had to burn off some lesions that she found. I had to take 3 days off from work, and rested up for a total of 5 days. It really took a full 2 weeks before I felt 100%. I had a lot of gas (they fill your abdomen with CO2), bloating and swelling. Since I couldn't exercise for 2 weeks I was really feeling crappy, but I feel much better now that I am back in my regular routine. The bad news is that I have to take medication, at least until I hit menopause. That's a major bummer. Anyway, I'm glad that is over with and that now I have answers. I was starting to worry that I was going crazy! At least now we can treat it and move forward, and now that I know what it is I am even more determined not to let the pain keep me down.

I've been doing well with the running. Almost done with week 6 of C25K, and I can't believe that I'm actually enjoying it! I can't wait to get out there and run most days, which is completely cray!!! I am feeling stronger and healthier than I have in a long time, and it feels great!

I'm looking forward to the summer, and spending lots of quality time with my family and friends. We've got a short anniversary trip in the works for July, and a BIG family vacation planned for August. Nothing makes me happier than seeing my kids smile, so I'm really looking forward to that! Also glad to have more time for the blog. There will be lots of adorable pics heading your way soon!!


Happy Friday!!!

I Can't Believe...

Linking up with The Sunshine Diary today for I Can't Believe Wednesday!    

 

I Can't Believe... I ran a WHOLE MILE. Without stopping. 2 days in a row!

I Can't Believe... How good I felt when I was done running. I never would have thought being so sweaty could feel so good. Not to mention the feeling of accomplishment that comes along with doing something you've never done before, something you didn't think you could do. It felt A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!!

I Can't Believe... I have to have stupid surgery tomorrow :( 

I am going for an exploratory laparoscopy to diagnose and hopefully help to treat endometriosis. From what my doc says, it seems pretty minor so I'm not too worried - I just hate hospitals, and anesthesia.

I Can't Believe... I have to do a cleanse for this stupid surgery tomorrow :(

This means I can't eat any solid food all day today (BOO!), and I have to drink some nasty crap later that's going to cause me to spend my entire evening chained to the porcelain throne. That sounds much better when you are talking about a night of drunken vomiting. At least you get something out of that! 

Oh well!

I Can't Believe... I can't run for 2 weeks now because of this stupid surgery :(

I was just starting to really enjoy it! I'm so bummed. Hopefully it will go quickly.

 

Maybe this will free up some more time for my blog ;)

 

Wish me luck!