Monday, December 22, 2014

A Letter to my Daughter

I thought I'd write a couple of letters this week. I'm feeling a little emotional with my mom's anniversary this past weekend, and it always helps me a bit to let some things go. So today I write a letter to my daughter. I'm sure it won't be the last, there will be so many things I want to share with her over the years. Experience has taught me to always write things down, to document them, because  you don't always say what you're feeling in every situation in life, and you never know what direction life will take. You may think you have all the time in the world for recipe sharing, story telling, or explanations, and then suddenly your time is cut short...

To my smart, sweet, sassy, beautiful girl,

There are no words to measure how I feel about you. From the first time I held you in my arms 3 years ago, I knew you were the missing piece to the puzzle. I knew you were the band-aid to my wound, the Spackle to the whole in my heart. Please don't be mistaken, I love your brothers fiercely and with abandon, there are no favorites here... but our relationship, yours and mine, was destined to be different from the start. Not only are you our last baby, and the only baby your daddy and I share together, but as our only daughter, you represent a unique opportunity for mommy. With you I can finish all the mommy/daughter things your grandma and I started but never got the chance to. All of things I never got the chance to share with her, I will share with you. She taught me how to crochet, and needlepoint, and sew, but we never got the chance to do any of those things together as adults. We cooked side by side in her kitchen many times during my childhood, but never as adults and friends. The day I graduated college I looked out into the crowd, and she wasn't there, but I will be there to see you toss that cap. The day you stand up before God and family and promise yourself to your best friend, I will be there... and the first time you hold your own baby in your arms, I will look on with amazement.

Whenever I miss my mom, and I'm feeling sad, I just look at you, and it warms my heart. I see her kindness in your eyes, her sass in the way you tilt your head when you talk, her soul in the way you love everyone so freely. I daydream of all the things you and I will do together as the years pass. Even if it's the most mundane things like grocery shopping or taking a walk, I imagine us doing them together when you're grown, and it makes me feel whole again somehow. The idea of being able to share with you all the things I never got to share with your grandma makes the pain a little more bearable somehow. When I look at you I feel a little less empty, a little less lost.

It's not just because you carry your grandmother's name, not just because you are my only girl...
I hope you know that there are a million more reasons why I love you so.
Every freckle, every eyelash, every single brown speckle in your beautiful hazel eyes...
Every time you open your mouth and something so innocent, or so unbelievably funny comes out... Every time I see you with your brothers, the way you love them so and teach them how to be gentle and kind.
I love you so because I know you will change the world someday.
Your sharp mind and huge heart are going to help you make a difference in this world, this I know for sure.
You have already changed ours so very much.

I look forward to every day with you. I cherish every second we spend together. I love every single mommy/daughter game we play, every adventure we take together. We will continue to journey on you and me, the girls team in our house full of loud, silly, stinky boys. No matter what life throws at us, no matter how far away you drift as you grow and try to find your own place in the world, I know you will always come back to me. I know in you I have a best friend for life, and I am telling you now that in me you have yours. I will always be here for you, I will always be your #1 fan. Forever and always.


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