A Letter to my Mother...

Dear Mom, 

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you in some way. Be it a fleeting memory or like today, a full out conversation with you in my head; every day you are present in my heart and mind. Some days I feel sorrow and anguish, other days I still feel angry, still other days I just feel melancholy and reminiscent. Some days I wish you were here to see the things I see in a real and tangible way. Some days I just want to call you up and say, "can you believe this shit???" I Think it's those days that are the hardest. Not the days when I miss my childhood mommy; the one who drove me to soccer practice, kissed my boo boos and helped me with my school projects... because I still have those days too, when I'm sick or really tired. It's the days that I miss my grown up mom that have become the most difficult now. The days I miss my mother, the woman; my mother, the friend... those are the hardest because I'm not really sure what I'm missing. We never had a chance to sit down and discuss life woman to woman, we never had the opportunity to share stories or be confidants in that way. There are parts of you I will never know, because they are the parts I wasn't meant to know until I became I woman myself, and then time escaped us. Most days I can just think of you with a smile and go on with my day, but then there are days like today when I am lying awake in the dark wondering why you had to go, why I had to be short-changed on what I can only imagine is the best part of the mother/daughter relationship - the friendship part. I have missed you  since the second you left us. Every day for the past 5317 days I have wished you were still here; but the way I miss you has changed. I used to miss only your presence -  the scent, the feel, the sound of you; but now it is so much more. Now that I am a wife and mother myself, I miss more of the you I didn't know than the you I remember, if that makes sense. Today as I sit here at my pity party for one, I feel angry. I feel gypped. I haven't felt this way in a long time. I suppose I should feel fortunate instead, that maybe I should thank you... because of your cancer I fight hard every day to stay healthy and strong for my kids. Because I watched you always put everyone else first and never make any time for yourself, I know I must make time for me in order to be the best wife and mother I can be. Because you had to leave me, I know I have to do whatever is in my power to stay here so I can watch my boys grow up to be loving husbands and dads... So I can wait on pins and needles until the day my little girl considers me her best friend...

Tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully I will be back to just thinking of you with a smile for a while, but just know that however brief my memories may be on some days, you are always in my heart. I treasure every single memory of you, and although I now mourn more of what could have been, I would never change a single thing. I would rather have had you for 20 short years, than never have had you at all. Missing you always <3

All my love forever, 

Petunia 

Happy Hump Day!!!!

Where is the time going???

I can't believe the weekend has come and gone again, and we are halfway through the week. I am slacking a little on the blog posting, and I'm sorry about that. Monday was a bit of a bummer (I'll get to that later) and yesterday we had a bit of debacle on the homefront. Our ceiling fan fell out of the ceiling!!! Now we have to wait until Thursday for an electrician to come and fix the wiring :/ Can we say Holy Hotness Batman? It's like the fiery pits of Hell in my bedroom!!! NOT GOOD!

We had lots of fun this weekend, so here's a little recap:

Saturday I took the 2 littlest boys and baby M to a local sprinkler park with some friends and their little ones. This park is beautiful, it has the padded rubber everywhere and they have an awesome regular playground attached, so the boys were going back and forth. They had a blast! We all had so much fun, in fact, that I was only able to snap one pic the whole time!

Saturday night we had a birthday party to go to, sans kiddos! I was excited because I finally got to wear my new Bow Back top from my favorite on-line boutique, Kiki La Rue! The clothes are amazing and the owner, Becka, is awesome! She also has a super fab blog. Anyhoo, I usually post some selfies of my Kiki La Rue goodies on Instagram. So, I was going through my usually routine while getting ready Saturday night, and this is what I ended up with...

Super cute Bow Back top!!!

Super angry hubby in the background, lol!

Not really sure what's up with this face! I think he was annoyed because I was taking too long to get ready, as usual!!!

On to the party!!! While Jay was in the hospital last year (read more about that here) we accidentally stumbled upon the fact that his partner, Chris, is also his cousin!!! It's a kinda long story, maybe for another post, but the bottom line is that Jay's long lost cousin and his wife, Erin, are two pretty amazing people. We have been very blessed to have them come into our lives. Even better, Chris has two sisters, Lauren & Dana, who we finally got to meet Saturday at the party after over a year!

COUSINS!!!!!

On Sunday I took a pickling class (don't ask!!!) at Williams Sonoma with my bestie, & then we took the kids for pretzels at Auntie Annie's... My girl loves her pretzels!

We followed up the pretzel goodness with a special visit to the newly renovated Build A Bear Workshop. The girls were in their glories there!!! Baby M made herself a very special friend named Pinky, and despite a split lip when she fell off a step and slammed her face into the new touch screen computer table, a good time was had by all!

Worst part of the weekend for me was really Monday because we had to say goodbye to the boys after a full week with them. They were so good this week and the house is so too quiet without them... I played hookie from work to spend a few more hours with them, and then we all drove B to his orthodontist appointment where their mom was meeting us to take them home from there. I try my best to be cordial for the boys sake, but she always makes it a point to say something to try to cut down my authority as a step-parent. I had all to do to keep my cool, because I almost punched her in the face... twice. These boys are so fortunate because they have a lot of extra love in their lives now, you would think she would be thankful for that. Jay is right, I really do expect too much from people...

I can't believe the week is already halfway done!

Only two more days of getting up early and then I get two whole days with my loves!!!  

Happy Hump Day!

TGIF!!!!

TGIF!!!!

I love the weekend! SO excited it's Friday already!

Last night we celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary with a delicious dinner at Ruth's Chris Steak House (we got engaged there!), and even though our anniversary celebration is finally winding down, I'm really glad this week is coming to a close.

Pre-dinner snapshot :)



Beautiful gift from my love!

Jay and the kids are going to visit me at work today and take me out to lunch, I'm excited for that! Seeing them will really break up the day.

R is getting his stitches out today. I am NOT looking forward to this AT ALL, as he is a large HUGE pain in the ass when it comes to anything doctor related... but the good news is he will be able to go swimming again! Not a moment too soon, considering it has been almost 100 degrees here every day this week.

No plans for Saturday, it's supposed to be a rainy day so I think we'll hit up the RedBox.

Sunday we have family time with the in-laws on the agenda. Lots of swimming and outdoor fun,

then family dinner at Chili's (I know it's a little boring, but it's the boys favorite place to eat).

It's the low key weekends like this with lots of time to spend just the 7 of us that I cherish the most. They are all growing up so quickly, it makes me want to soak up every minute we have with them while they still want to be with mom and dad... D will be hitting double digits this fall, and it's only a matter of time until he catches up to big brother B with the hormones and sullen teenager routine. So not looking forward to that!!! Going to enjoy the togetherness while it lasts :)

Any fun plans for your weekend???

3 Years Already???

Three years ago today I married my lobster, the love of my life... my best friend and partner.

Sometimes I still can't believe it. After my previous life experiences, I really didn't think I'd ever get married. You know that saying, "always a bridesmaid, never a bride"? That was me. I don't know what made me agree to that blind date... or text him almost 2 months after that blind date never happened (read about that here),

but it was the best decision I have EVER made.

It's amazing to me how quickly I knew there was something special between us. I could literally picture myself growing old with this man, after only a couple of weeks of dating! It was a strange feeling, but I couldn't stop what was happening, and I loved every second of it. I still do. He still gives me butterflies. The anticipation of our time alone together still gets me giddy like a teenage girl. I really feel so blessed.

Don't get me wrong, it hasn't always been sunshine and flowers; especially having a blended family and all the drama that comes along with us each having inconsiderate, selfish exes. We have had our share challenges over the past 3 years, but I think it is the way we get through them together that makes our marriage stronger.

So, in a way I am grateful for all of the crap too.

I consider myself a lucky woman because I have had the opportunity to experience true love, to love someone so deeply that you feel like you are a part of that other person; like you may not physically be able to carry on without your other half. I am truly blessed to share my life with my best friend. We came together with 4 handsome sons whose love for us and each other has only made our love for one another stronger, and from that love has come the most beautiful gift I could have ever received. Three years, four boys and one beautiful baby girl later, I can honestly say that I have everything I could ever need in life. So even though I'm not sure if he actually reads this blog....

Happy 3rd Anniversary to my lobster, Jason... there are not enough words to express my love for you or the gratitude I feel daily that God sent you & the boys to R and I to make our world a better place. Thank you for giving me every thing I have ever wanted, and for making sure each day is an adventure. These have been the best 3 years of my life so far; some of the most difficult as well, but also the most rewarding. I love the life we have built together and couldn't imagine it any other way, with any other man. You are a loving husband, a wonderful friend, and an amazing & dedicated father. We are so lucky to have you!!!  

Hope you guys enjoy some of my favorite pictures from our special day:

Wishing a Happy Anniversary to all you other July Brides!!!!

Vacation Recap & a Little Setback...

The week before last I had a much needed vacation from work. It didn't start out well & it didn't end well, but the middle was damn near fantastic!!!

I had an ear infection the end of the week previous so I kinda felt crappy all weekend, but the week itself was great. Spent a whole day sans kiddos shopping with my bestie! We even got to eat 2 meals together alone. The best part was, they were hot & we didn't have to share them with anyone!!!

Wednesday we took R & M into the city to the Discovery Museum to see The Art of the Brick exhibit, which R LOVED!!! It wasn't very expensive, but either way it was worth every penny! M had a blast on the train, she kept saying "go fast, go fast!" My dad met us in the city (he works in NJ) & the kids always love time with their Poppa. We went to Bubba Gump Shrimp in Times Square for dinner, & the kids loved that, too. The service sucked, but the food was delish!

Friday while R was at camp we took A & D mini-golfing at this really cool place out by their house, & then we took them out to lunch. Then we picked up R & they all went swimming at Grandma & Grandpa's.

Sunday we dropped all the kids off with good old Grandma & Grandpa and we headed out to Atlantic City to have an early anniversary celebration. We partied a bit on Sunday with our awesome cousins, and had a nice romantic day together on Monday. We did some shopping, walked the boardwalk & followed it up with an amazing dinner at Luke Palladino's in Harrah's (thanks again to our awesome cousins). I highly recommend it if you ever find yourself in AC.

Tuesday we headed home & then the shit hit the fan... M came down with Coxsackie virus. She had 102- 104 temperature for 3 days. Follow this up with R slamming his head and needing 5 stitches on Friday, and that was HELL WEEK in a nutshell. This is what we get for going away without the kids. Worst part was, this pushed back our week with the boys since we didn't want them to get sick :(

I tried to keep up with exercising while on vacation, but I really fell off at the end. It's hard to stay motivated when you're away. I have also been experiencing some numbness and tingling in my left leg since right before we left for AC. It started out in the area just around my knee cap but has since spread up and down my leg. I'm not sure if this is something that will go away on it's own or if I should be really concerned about it. It hasn't affected my running too much, but I am having some difficulty feeling the step during my aerobics class :/

Anyone have any experience with this? Should I call my ortho or wait it out???

In the meantime, I guess I'll just keep hobbling along...